Thursday, July 5, 2012

From bad to utter shit

I'd love to say that things have improved, but they haven't.

Looking back,  I wish that none of this had ever happened.  This past four years has been nothing but wasted time.

I got absolutely nothing whatsoever out of reuniting with my son except complications and chaos.  My family is completely broken.  My marriage is still going, but both of us are so in grief over all this that it's been very hard to find a reason to go on.  I don't mean to sound melodramatic.  Thats just the way it is.

There was no real role for me in my sons' life.  His expectations were tainted by what he felt he should have received from the woman who raised him...which no human being could fulfill, and I certainly fell short of every single time I opened my mouth.  There is no way I could 'mother' a 30 year old man or do anything to fill whatever voids there were in his life, and I always felt, more each time I visited, that I was somehow 'letting down the side' although he completely denied it.  Toward the end I was nothing more than an excuse every couple of months for my son to get drunk and party and whine about his wife and how she'd fucked up his life.  And then feel guilty about having done it.  And then resent me.  I know it's fucked up.  It's what happened, though. 

By the last year and a half his children only saw me as a source of presents and money and constantly jacked me for same.  I can't say that I ever felt particularly close to them, although I tried.   And I did try.  I tried until I had nothing left emotionally. It meant exactly nothing.  None of it.  When all was said and done,  I was just a way for my son to get back at the people who raised him, and someone his white trash parasite of a wife viewed only as a potential source of cash.

 My daughter rounded on me like a rabid weasel at the height of my upset about this.  She pulled the grandkids card too.  I've been forbidden to see Sadie or Ayden. Me specifically.  My husband is 'allowed' to contact her through her husband. (He laughed.)  The reasons keep changing, and the story is vague...but my husband and I have seen lesser versions of this before. The timing, the circumstances, it's all very familiar.  This is getback, pure and simple.  And this is the big showdown that's been building for years.  I've come to accept that she was a difficult person, but now all the cards have been laid on the table.  I can finally look back at things she's said and done and see that she's been waiting for years to 'get' me.   I realize that sounds paranoid.  It isn't.  It's the truth.  And it makes me feel scared and horribly ashamed.

I'll be honest.  I've thought about suicide.  In a matter of one month I went from eleven family members down to two,  and four of the adults are convinced to whatever personal degree that I'm the one that fucked everything up...after all, I'm the one with all the 'problems' right?  No reason for anyone to take any personal responsibility for their actions when we can all blame it on the crazy person!  Then on top of all that my husband almost gets killed three times, I'm diagnosed with ADHD, kicked out of a doctors office for being a baby killer, and my fucking optometrist tries to run a scam on me for the love of fuck.  2012 can go get fucked.

I'm feeling pretty beat up right now.  I've had some really bad, dark hours and it doesn't look like it's going to get any better any time soon.  Everything that was important to me - family, being a grandmother -  has turned into shit.  My daughter has done her concerted best to destroy not only any relationship I could have had with my son, but has tried to drive a wedge between my husband and I as well.  Again, I might add.  We were good parents...we did everything 'right'.  And it meant nothing.  Nothing.  It was just words.

My entire life feels so meaningless.  I wish I could stop thinking about this.  It's done.  But it won't go away.  Yes I'm in therapy.  Again.  Thats what I do apparently.  It's beginning to feel pretty meaningless too.