Saturday, February 11, 2012

Eight stupid things you learn from being stupid

Oh yes. This is based on a real person. And it's ALL based on a real person. ALL OF IT.

1. Creating drama feels just like having a life.
When theres nothing in your brain your head gets lonely. When your head gets lonely it makes the rest of you feel bored.  When you feel bored you need action. And because you're stupid, you're lazy, so you should manipulate other people into providing that action!  What kind of action is the best?  Active action + DRAMA!  Because other people being upset is super interesting and funny!  Create some drama today!  It's safer than fire or cooking and generates a lot of interesting motion, like the windchimes did until they blew down, which was sad.

2. Spending money feels just like having interests.
When you've finished all your jigsaw puzzles and you're tired of playing Sudoku and Solitaire there's nothing to do. Having hobbies  and interests is boring because you might have to learn things. Learning things is boring and it's weird and uncool and makes you a dork. Plus you're out of school now and nobody can ever make you learn anything ever again, so ha ha anyway!  Besides you're too busy to sit around and read. You'd rather do something. From the couch. But you're kind of at a loss for things to do now that your ass is sore from sitting on it all day. Hey! Go buy something!  Buying things is super de duper fun, plus there's always something you have to buy because why would there by stores if there wasn't, right? Thats what money is for. You actually should buy things or else they'd go out of business and put people out of jobs and stuff.

3. Acquisition fixes everything.
I have no life. I'll fix it by buying something.  I'm bored. I'll fix it by buying something!  I'm sad. I'll fix it by buying something!  I'm angry.  I'll fix it by buying something!  You pissed me off! I'll fix you by buying something!  I'm just generally in a bad mood because theres nobody around to upset.  I'll fix everyone by buying something!  You told me we couldn't afford that. I'll show you; I'll buy something! Fuck, we can't pay our bills because there's no money. I'll fix it by buying something! Nobody will lend me any more money and now I can't buy anything. I'll fix it by stealing from my customers! Then I'll sell what I stole, and use the money to buy something!

4. Convenience is worth it.
If you buy 12 cans of chicken for one dollar a can, it's totally more convenient than buying a whole chicken and cutting it up because you just have to open a can and it's already cooked. You are WAY TOO BUSY to  mess around with a whole chicken.  Plus because knives are dangerous and cooking is really hard and chicken bodies are disgusting and plus it's saving the environment because you don't end up with a lot of chicken bones you have to throw away. If you buy a case of paper towels it's really totally convenient and sanitary, because you use one paper towel every time you spill something, or sneeze, or one of the dogs shits in the house, or pees, or one of the kids shits in the house, or pees, or dumps koolaid on the floor, or climbs into the refrigerator and dumps koolaid on the floor, or the dogs steal the kids lunch and dump it all over the floor, or the washing machine overflows again because  your stupid ass overloaded again it so you wouldn't have to do a bunch of laundry and hoist ass off the couch waste energy. Then you just pile up the used paper towels on the kitchen counter (it's not like anyone prepares food there) and the dogs and kids shred them all over the house and the dog eats them and then licks the kids. Plus it saves the environment because then you don't have to do laundry which wastes energy, plus you're not using a dishrag which is gross plus you have to go into the kitchen to get one and the kitchen scares you because someone might see you in there and expect your malingering ass to cook.

5. Acting and looking rich is really important.
 If you're ever at a store with another person you always have to buy something and it has to be more expensive than what they buy. Why? So they'll think you're rich.  You should always buy the most expensive thing you can because you don't want anybody ever to think you're poor because what people think is really really important.  So if you act rich and look rich people will totally not think you're poor which is a fate worse than death by a car wreck and leprosy at the same time. You find out what rich people look like and act like from television. That totally is what rich people look like and do and everything.

6. Everything in popular media is true and questioning it is weird and uncool.
They wouldn't let them put it on or anything if it weren't true.

7. There is no such thing as the future.
If you just go around planning ahead for disasters and stuff and expecting the worse all the time then thats just negative thinking. Besides what do you know?  You can't just tell whats going to happen when it hasn't even happened yet. Thats stupid. When things run out you just buy more. Sometimes you have to spend a lot of money because you need it right then but that's what money is for. If you spend all your money on stupid shit now and somebody gets sick, well, you'll cross that bridge when you come to it/ just run around all your relatives asking for six times what it really costs and promising to pay them back and they'll give you money because if they don't they're not being nice and they hate your kids. Anyway if you want something it's perfectly ok to lie to get what you want. Nobody will ever check up on you because if they do that's mean, and that's negative thinking.

8. If you have two dogs and five chickens and your favorite activity is the 'Ten Meter Wake Up From A Nap, Turn On The Empty Dryer And Wander Outside Wrapped In a Sleeping Bag To Sit Motionless Under the Dryer Vent And Chainsmoke While You Stare At A Single Spot On The Neighbors' Fence For 45 Minutes At A Time' (international rules), and five of you live in a tiny house on a tiny lot and two of your kids are still in diapers and you can't afford to pay your bills or feed yourselves, you should totally go out and buy A ST. BERNARD.

9. You know what people think is cool?  People think it's cool when you deliberately run over animals with your car and laugh.  They do. My mother in law was totally impressed.


  1. Does this mean I can't have my Bertoia chair?

  2. Just as long as you never make me watch you kill a squirrel with it. OK?

  3. Which one of the nine wasn't one of the 8 stupid things?? And, if not stupid, what was it?? Questions--ve have questions!



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